You’re Not the Only One: Why Families Need Community — and Why We Stay Silent

“I thought I was the only one.”

That’s what a father told me as we stood outside a Kol Haneshamot event, long after most of the men had gone home. His teenage son had left yeshiva. His Shabbat table had grown quiet. And the shame that sat on his shoulders wasn’t just about his child — it was about how alone he felt in his pain.

“No one talks about this,” he said. “Everyone else looks like they have it together. I honestly thought I was the only one going through something like this.”

He isn’t. But the silence in our communities makes it feel that way.

And the cost of that silence — emotionally, spiritually, generationally — is far too high..

When Families Are in Pain, Why Do Communities Go Quiet?

Jewish communities are known for showing up. Meals during shiva. Rides to the hospital. Tefillah groups. Fundraisers. But emotional pain — especially the kind that comes with a child who’s struggling — often goes unnoticed.

Why?

Because it’s complicated. Because it’s not always visible. And because we haven’t been taught how to respond.

So instead, we quietly step back. And the family — already hurting — begins to feel not just isolated, but exiled. Not just unsupported, but unseen.

We don’t do this maliciously. We do it because it’s hard. Because it challenges our own fears. Because it doesn’t fit neatly into a chessed chart or a WhatsApp meal train.

But this is where we’re needed most.

The Torah’s Model: Don’t Abandon the Edge

In Parshat Bamidbar, the Torah details the formation of the Israelite camp in the desert. At its center stood the Ohel Mo’ed, the Tent of Meeting. Surrounding it were the tribes, organized and orderly. But not everyone belonged to a tribe.

Who stood at the edge of the camp?The Leviim. The ones tasked with carrying the burdens of the people. The ones closest to the sacred center — but stationed at the perimeter, guarding those who might otherwise be forgotten.

The Torah reminds us: holiness isn’t found by standing in the center. It’s revealed by how we respond to those on the margins.

If we want to be a community of Torah, we have to look to the edges — and bring those families back in.

What Happens When We Do

At Kol Haneshamot, we’ve seen what happens when that shift begins. When one parent finds the courage to speak. When another listens without flinching. When someone finally realizes, “I’m not the only one.”

The healing doesn’t start with solutions.

It starts with connection.

And from that connection, we begin to see real change:

• Parents stop walking on eggshells and start walking in truth.

• Marriages breathe again.

• Siblings relax.

• And even the child — without pressure or preaching — senses that the home has become safer.

That’s what happens when community shows up.

Practical Tools for Parents in Pain

So what can parents actually do in the silence?

1. Name What You’re Feeling

It sounds simple, but many parents struggle to say, “I feel overwhelmed,” or “I’m grieving the child I thought I had.” Naming the emotion loosens its grip. It turns shame into speech — and speech into strength.

2. Create a Micro-Support System

You don’t need twenty people. Find two. Two friends or mentors who can hold space for you, who don’t need the full story to offer full presence.

3. Join a Support Group

A structured, emotionally safe group changes everything. It gives language, perspective, and the critical reminder that you’re not alone — and not crazy.

4. Set Boundaries Without Closing Off

You don’t owe everyone an explanation, but silence doesn’t mean you can’t say: “We’re going through something hard right now. I appreciate your understanding.” That one sentence reclaims dignity.

5. Prioritize Your Own Regulation

Teens mirror the emotional tone of the home. When you breathe, pause, and show up consistently — even imperfectly — you become the calm in their chaos.

Tools for Community Members Who Want to Help

Not everyone is a parent of a struggling teen — but everyone knows someone who is. Here's how to help:

1. Don’t Wait for Them to Bring It Up

Ask, gently and sincerely: “How are things going at home?” One open-ended question can create an opening they didn’t know they had.

2. Practice Safe Listening

No judgment. No fixing. Just presence. Try: “That sounds really hard. I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

3. Show Up in Quiet Ways

Drop off a coffee. Invite them for a walk. Say, “Thinking of you.” Presence doesn’t always need words.

4. Advocate for Community Programming

Push for your shul or neighborhood to offer talks, workshops, or events that address mental health, parenting challenges, or emotional resilience. Normalize the conversation.

5. Watch Your Language

Avoid jokes or comments that reinforce stigma: “That family’s kids are off the derech,” “Did you hear what happened to them?” Your words either build safety or destroy it.

The Kol Haneshamot Difference

We don’t work with teens.We work with the people who hold them.

Because we believe that when a parent finds strength, emotional clarity, and support — everything around them begins to shift. Not instantly. Not perfectly. But consistently.

Kol Haneshamot is not a crisis line. It’s a movement.Of healing families. Of shifting conversations.Of creating a community where no parent has to whisper their pain into the dark.

The Conversation Starts With You

If you’ve been holding your breath, waiting for someone to notice — we see you.If you’re watching someone else struggle and don’t know what to say — start with, “I care.”

This isn’t just about parenting.

It’s about community.

About reclaiming what klal Yisrael was always meant to be — a people who carry each other.

Not just in joy. But in the quiet, unseen grief of raising a soul who is hurting.

You are not the only one.

And you were never meant to do this alone.