Parshat Toldot: When Good Intentions Leave Pain Behind

Understanding the Distance Between What We Mean and What Others Experience

Introduction

We generally judge our actions by what we intended to accomplish, understanding the reasons behind our words and decisions. The person affected, however, may experience them differently. What we intended as an expression of love may be received as criticism, while a decision we believed necessary may leave someone feeling rejected. Within our closest relationships, the distance between intention and experience can become a source of profound pain.

When someone tells us that we have hurt them, our instinct may be to explain ourselves. We want them to understand that we were trying to help or that the circumstances left us with difficult choices. But our explanations may leave the other person feeling that their pain is being dismissed, while their insistence on being heard may leave us feeling unfairly accused. What began as an expression of hurt can become an argument in which each struggles to be understood.

The difficulty deepens when someone who has been hurt also bears responsibility for what happened. Their disappointment may be genuine, even when their understanding of the circumstances is incomplete. We may become so focused on determining who was at fault that we overlook their suffering, or so troubled by their distress that we question decisions we still believe were necessary. Within families, this can make it difficult to respond with sensitivity.

The consequences can extend beyond the original encounter. Someone who feels hurt may begin questioning the intentions of a person they love, while the person who feels unfairly judged may withdraw to avoid further conflict. Conversations become guarded, ordinary interactions acquire unintended meanings, and the relationship begins carrying the weight of what remains unresolved. Even when neither person can fully accept the other's understanding of what happened, both must confront what that difference means for their relationship.

I. וַיֶּאֱהַב יִצְחָק אֶת־עֵשָׂו — When Love and Understanding Diverge

The Torah introduces the relationship between Yitzchak, Rivkah, and their sons with a brief description: וַיֶּאֱהַב יִצְחָק אֶת־עֵשָׂו כִּי־צַיִד בְּפִיו וְרִבְקָה אֹהֶבֶת אֶת־יַעֲקֹב (Bereishit 25:28). Yitzchak loves Esav, while Rivkah loves Yaakov. The brothers themselves have already been described differently: Esav is אִישׁ יֹדֵעַ צַיִד אִישׁ שָׂדֶה, a skilled hunter and man of the field, while Yaakov is אִישׁ תָּם יֹשֵׁב אֹהָלִים. The Torah does not describe an argument between their parents or explain why their affections differ. What each parent understands about their sons, however, will influence the decisions that follow.

Rashi offers two explanations of כִּי־צַיִד בְּפִיו. Following Onkelos, he explains that Yitzchak enjoyed the game Esav brought him. The Midrashic interpretation describes Esav as someone who deceived his father through his words: שֶׁהָיָה צָד אוֹתוֹ וּמְרַמֵּהוּ בִדְבָרָיו. Sforno offers another perspective, explaining that Yitzchak loved Esav despite recognizing that he lacked Yaakov's spiritual completeness, while Rivkah recognized Esav's wickedness and loved Yaakov. Rashi's Midrashic interpretation suggests that Yitzchak's understanding of Esav was influenced by deception; Sforno describes a father who recognizes his son's shortcomings without withdrawing his affection.

Yitzchak's affection becomes consequential when he believes his death may be approaching and summons Esav to receive his blessing. He instructs him, וַעֲשֵׂה־לִי מַטְעַמִּים כַּאֲשֶׁר אָהַבְתִּי וְהָבִיאָה לִּי וְאֹכֵלָה בַּעֲבוּר תְּבָרֶכְךָ נַפְשִׁי בְּטֶרֶם אָמוּת (27:4). Ramban explains that Yitzchak intended to bless Esav as his firstborn, believing him to be the appropriate recipient of the family's inheritance and blessing.

Rivkah possesses knowledge that Yitzchak does not share. Before the twins were born, she had sought guidance from Hashem and received the prophecy וְרַב יַעֲבֹד צָעִיר (25:23), indicating that the older son would serve the younger. Ramban explains that she had not disclosed this prophecy to Yitzchak. While he prepares to bless Esav as the firstborn, Rivkah understands that Yaakov has been designated for a different destiny. Each approaches the future of their sons with knowledge and expectations the other does not fully share.

When Rivkah overhears Yitzchak's instructions, she directs Yaakov to bring two young goats so that she can prepare the food his father expects and enable him to receive the blessing intended for Esav. Ramban explains that Rivkah feared Yitzchak's love for Esav would prevent him from willingly blessing Yaakov if she disclosed the prophecy. She therefore intervenes rather than confronting Yitzchak directly. Yaakov fears that his father will discover the deception and curse him, but Rivkah responds, עָלַי קִלְלָתְךָ בְּנִי (27:13), accepting the risk upon herself. Her conviction helps explain her decision without removing the questions raised by her methods.

Esav, meanwhile, has gone into the field at his father's request, expecting to return with the food Yitzchak desires and receive the promised blessing. He knows nothing of Rivkah's intervention or the prophecy guiding her decision. From his perspective, he is simply fulfilling his father's instructions. When he returns, he will discover that the blessing has already been given to Yaakov. What Yitzchak intended, what Rivkah believed necessary, and what Esav anticipated are about to collide, with consequences that none of them fully understands.

II. וַיִּצְעַק צְעָקָה גְּדֹלָה וּמָרָה — When Pain and Responsibility Coexist

Esav prepares the food Yitzchak requested and returns with the words יָקֻם אָבִי וְיֹאכַל מִצֵּיד בְּנוֹ בַּעֲבֻר תְּבָרֲכַנִּי נַפְשֶׁךָ (Bereishit 27:31). When Yitzchak reveals that Yaakov has already received the blessing, the Torah describes Esav's response in powerful language: כִּשְׁמֹעַ עֵשָׂו אֶת־דִּבְרֵי אָבִיו וַיִּצְעַק צְעָקָה גְּדֹלָה וּמָרָה עַד־מְאֹד (27:34). He pleads with his father, בָּרֲכֵנִי גַם־אָנִי אָבִי — bless me too, my father. Whatever the Torah has revealed about Esav's character, his suffering is unmistakable.

Earlier in the parsha, Esav willingly sold his birthright to Yaakov in exchange for bread and lentil stew. The Torah concludes that encounter with the judgment וַיִּבֶז עֵשָׂו אֶת־הַבְּכֹרָה (25:34) — Esav despised the birthright. Rashi explains that Esav regarded its responsibilities, particularly the sacrificial service, as burdensome and dangerous. Ramban emphasizes Esav's belief that the birthright would offer him little benefit, given the dangers of his life as a hunter and his expectation that he might die young. The birthright he surrendered, however, was distinct from the blessing Yitzchak subsequently promised him. His earlier disregard for the former does not erase the hurt of discovering that Yaakov obtained the latter through deception.

Kli Yakar, commenting on Esav's accusation וַיַּעְקְבֵנִי זֶה פַעֲמַיִם אֶת־בְּכֹרָתִי לָקָח וְהִנֵּה עַתָּה לָקַח בִּרְכָתִי (27:36), asks why Esav accuses Yaakov of taking the birthright when he had sold it willingly. Kli Yakar explains that Esav now believes Yaakov acquired the birthright to establish his claim to the blessing. The earlier transaction has become evidence in his mind of his brother's deliberate effort to displace him. His grievance over the blessing has changed how he interprets a decision for which he himself was responsible.

Yitzchak's reaction reveals another dimension of the encounter. Upon discovering that Yaakov has received the blessing, the Torah records וַיֶּחֱרַד יִצְחָק חֲרָדָה גְּדֹלָה עַד־מְאֹד (27:33). Ramban explains that Yitzchak trembles because he realizes that the son he loves has permanently lost the blessing intended for him: כִּי יָדַע שֶׁאָבַד בְּנוֹ הָאָהוּב לוֹ בִּרְכָתוֹ לְעוֹלָם. Radak offers another perspective, explaining that Yitzchak deliberately displays his astonishment so Esav will not believe his father had intended to deceive him. Yitzchak then declares גַּם־בָּרוּךְ יִהְיֶה — Yaakov shall indeed remain blessed. Rashi explains that Yitzchak knowingly confirms the blessing so that it cannot be said that Yaakov received it solely through deception. Even as he confronts the pain of the son he had intended to bless, Yitzchak does not withdraw the blessing.

Esav continues pleading with his father, asking הַבְרָכָה אַחַת הִוא־לְךָ אָבִי בָּרֲכֵנִי גַם־אָנִי אָבִי (27:38). Yitzchak eventually responds with another blessing, describing the life that awaits Esav and his descendants. He continues engaging with his son rather than allowing the encounter to end with the loss. The blessing Esav originally sought is no longer available, but his father still has something to offer him.

Esav's anguish eventually gives way to hatred. The Torah records וַיִּשְׂטֹם עֵשָׂו אֶת־יַעֲקֹב עַל־הַבְּרָכָה אֲשֶׁר בֵּרֲכוֹ אָבִיו (27:41), followed by his intention to kill Yaakov after their father's death: יִקְרְבוּ יְמֵי אֵבֶל אָבִי וְאַהַרְגָה אֶת־יַעֲקֹב אָחִי. When Rivkah learns of the threat, she tells Yaakov, הִנֵּה עֵשָׂו אָחִיךָ מִתְנַחֵם לְךָ לְהָרְגֶךָ (27:42). Rashi explains that Esav has abandoned his sense of brotherhood and now contemplates killing Yaakov. Citing a Midrash, Rashi adds that Esav finds consolation in imagining his brother's death. What began as a cry of anguish has become a danger Rivkah cannot ignore. She instructs Yaakov to flee. Esav’s pain deserves acknowledgment, but it cannot determine what others must permit.

III. בָּרֲכֵנִי גַם־אָנִי אָבִי — When Pain Shapes Our Understanding of Others

Mental illness can influence how someone experiences relationships and interprets the intentions of those closest to them. A teenager struggling with depression may hear an expression of concern as evidence that he has disappointed his parents. Someone living with intense anxiety may experience a question about school or future plans as another reminder of expectations they fear they cannot meet. What a parent intends as interest or support may be experienced as criticism or pressure, making it important to understand the emotional circumstances in which these encounters occur.

Prolonged distress can also change how parents approach their children. After repeated confrontations or frightening experiences, they may anticipate conflict before a conversation has even begun. An ordinary question becomes difficult to ask, a brief response is examined for signs of trouble, and silence provokes fears that something is wrong. Their concern remains genuine, but the anxiety surrounding each interaction makes it increasingly difficult to communicate naturally.

We must be careful, however, not to explain every painful interaction through the struggling person's mental health. Depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric conditions do not make someone's perceptions automatically mistaken. A teenager may feel criticized because a parent's words were genuinely critical, or rejected because a response was unnecessarily harsh. Parents can act out of love while communicating in ways that cause harm. Our intentions help explain our actions, but they cannot replace an honest examination of what we said and did. We can apologize for speaking harshly without accepting the conclusion that we do not love our child, or acknowledge that a decision caused distress while still believing it was necessary.

When a child says, "You don't understand me," "You never listen," or "You don't care about what I'm going through," our impulse may be to defend ourselves. We remember our sacrifices, the concern that has kept us awake, and the efforts we have made to help. Instead of beginning with explanations, we can ask what left our child feeling unheard or what they had hoped we would understand. We may discover an incident requiring an apology, an overwhelming expectation, or a concern our child has struggled to express. Listening allows us to take their experience seriously without agreeing with every accusation.

Emotional suffering can also affect a person's ability to regulate reactions and meet expectations. Severe depression may make previously manageable responsibilities difficult, while intense anxiety can render ordinary demands overwhelming. Parents must consider these limitations when deciding what support is necessary and which expectations remain realistic. Reducing demands, changing how they are communicated, or seeking professional guidance may be appropriate when greater effort alone cannot overcome the difficulty. The question is not simply what a child should be able to do, but what they can presently manage and what support may help them regain that capacity.

After years of uncertainty, parents may hesitate to raise concerns or maintain expectations they once considered necessary. Rivkah's intervention illustrates the difficulty of acting upon a conviction when the consequences may be painful. She believes Yaakov must receive the blessing, although her methods remain open to question. Parents must likewise examine their decisions carefully, recognizing that some expectations require adjustment while others remain important. Without comparing a struggling child to Esav, we can still learn from his threat against Yaakov that suffering does not eliminate the need to protect others from harm. A child’s distress must be taken seriously, even as parents continue to exercise judgment and protect those in their care. Preserving the relationship remains essential, even when necessary decisions cause pain.

Sforno's understanding of Yitzchak's love for Esav brings us back to the relationship itself. Yitzchak’s affection did not depend on overlooking his son's shortcomings. When Esav pleads בָּרֲכֵנִי גַם־אָנִי אָבִי, his father offers what he still can. Parents of struggling teenagers and young adults cannot always provide what their children want or remove the difficulties they face. They can continue offering affection, reassurance, and belonging even when serious concerns remain. Their child's circumstances may have changed, and the future may look different from what they once imagined, but neither diminishes the child's dignity or place within the family.

Conclusion — When Understanding Remains Incomplete

Toward the end of the parsha, after the anguish surrounding the blessings and the threat against Yaakov, the Torah records a seemingly small detail about Esav. He recognizes that his Canaanite wives are displeasing to his father: וַיַּרְא עֵשָׂו כִּי רָעוֹת בְּנוֹת כְּנָעַן בְּעֵינֵי יִצְחָק אָבִיו (Bereishit 28:8). He subsequently marries the daughter of Yishmael, עַל־נָשָׁיו (28:9), in addition to his existing wives. His attempt to address his father's displeasure is incomplete, and the Torah does not describe a reconciliation between them. The blessing has been lost, the family remains divided, and the pain has not been resolved. Even so, Yitzchak's opinion still appears to matter to him.

For parents of struggling teenagers and young adults, this offers a reason for humility in how we interpret distance. Esav's circumstances are not those of a child struggling with mental illness, but anger, withdrawal, or apparent indifference does not necessarily reveal what a relationship means to someone. A child who seems not to care about our feelings may still care deeply about what we think, in ways neither parent nor child finds easy to express.

This possibility can make it easier to remain present when the hurt has not healed,. We may have explained ourselves carefully, acknowledged mistakes, and listened sincerely, only to discover that the hurt remains. Our desire for our children to understand us is natural, but our willingness to remain close cannot depend upon receiving that understanding. The relationship continues through encounters that may appear ordinary: a conversation about something unrelated to the disagreement, an invitation offered without pressure, a moment of warmth that asks for nothing in return. These interactions do not erase what happened, and they cannot substitute for apologies or changes that may still be necessary. They allow the relationship to hold more than the pain it carries. The next conversation need not wait until the previous one has been resolved.

Have a Wonderful Shabbos!!!

Yaakov Lazar