Introduction
It’s midnight, and a mother sits outside her teenager’s room, the weight of the day pressing on her. The tension from an earlier argument still lingers, and her heart is heavy with questions: What did I do wrong? Am I failing my child? These moments of guilt, fear, and uncertainty are deeply human—and deeply Jewish.
In our tradition, the concepts of hishtadlus (effort) and bitachon (trust in God) serve as anchors for navigating life’s challenges. Hishtadlus compels us to act responsibly, to strive and do our part. Bitachon reminds us that the ultimate outcome rests in God’s hands. For parents of teens at risk, balancing these principles is no small feat. How can they take meaningful action while trusting that some things are beyond their control?
This struggle mirrors the journey of Yaakov Avinu in Parshat Vayeitzei. As Yaakov fled from his brother Esav, he experienced profound fear and uncertainty. Yet, through divine reassurance and his own perseverance, he became a model of balance between effort and faith. His story offers timeless lessons for parents navigating the delicate dance of guiding their child while trusting in a larger plan.
Yaakov’s Journey in Parshat Vayeitzei: Lessons in Balance
Yaakov’s life is a testament to perseverance, faith, and the interplay between effort and trust. Fleeing from his brother Esav, Yaakov stops in the wilderness, alone and afraid. Here, he dreams of a ladder stretching from earth to heaven, with angels ascending and descending.
The Ladder: Bridging Human Effort and Divine Assistance
Rashi explains that the angels ascending and descending symbolize divine interaction with human effort. The Midrash adds that the ladder’s position—its base firmly on earth and its top reaching heaven—illustrates the necessity of initiating action while relying on divine support. Rabbi Soloveitchik describes the ladder as a metaphor for life itself: a constant tension between striving upward and drawing strength from above.
Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz observed that Yaakov’s dream was not merely a reassurance of divine presence but a call to action. The angels ascending first suggest that human effort precedes divine intervention. For parents, this teaches that their steps—seeking therapy, building connections, fostering stability—lay the foundation for God’s blessings.
The Sforno further teaches that the ladder represents human potential: rooted in the physical but reaching toward the spiritual. For parents, even mundane actions, like scheduling a therapy session or sitting with their child, are spiritual acts. These actions become steps on their own ladder, forging a partnership with God.
Yaakov’s ladder also reminds parents that life’s journey is not linear. Progress often comes in cycles, with moments of ascent and descent. One mother shared, “Some days, I feel like we’re climbing out of the darkness. Other days, I feel like we’re right back where we started.” The ladder teaches that every step upward matters and that even setbacks can lead to renewal.
Yaakov’s Perseverance with Lavan
Yaakov’s years with Lavan are a masterclass in hishtadlus. Deceived at every turn, Yaakov continues to work tirelessly, providing for his family and fulfilling his obligations with integrity. Ramban highlights that Yaakov’s perseverance is not just practical—it is spiritual. By engaging fully in his responsibilities, Yaakov expresses his trust in God’s plan.
The Vilna Gaon compares Yaakov’s years with Lavan to the struggles of exile, explaining that even amidst deception and hardship, Yaakov transformed his environment through integrity and resilience. For parents, this reflects the importance of consistency. Whether it’s advocating for their child’s needs, maintaining a stable home environment, or continuing to love their child unconditionally, these efforts can transform difficult circumstances over time.
Understanding the Parent’s Role: Practical Tools
Parenting an at-risk teen often feels like navigating an unfamiliar road without a map. Balancing hishtadlus and bitachon offers a guiding framework. Here are tools to help parents find their footing.
1. Taking Action: The Responsibility of Hishtadlus
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that hishtadlus is about fulfilling one’s obligations with sincerity, regardless of the outcome. Parents can focus on actionable steps within their control, recognizing that even small efforts have value.
Examples of Actionable Steps:
Scheduling therapy appointments or family counseling sessions.
Establishing routines that promote stability, such as shared meals or bedtime rituals.
Building a support network of professionals, educators, and community members.
One father shared how he began using a “gratitude jar” with his teen, writing down one positive moment each day. Initially, his teen resisted, but over time, it became a ritual that reminded them both of their progress. These small acts of hishtadlus build a foundation for connection and growth.
2. Trusting in God’s Plan: The Power of Bitachon
Rabbi Nachman of Breslov’s teaching, “Never despair,” resonates deeply with parents of teens at risk. While the journey may be long and fraught with setbacks, bitachon offers a lifeline of hope and resilience.
Practical Applications of Trust:
Start each day with a small prayer for clarity and strength, such as reciting Psalm 23 or Psalm 121.
Reflect on moments of progress, however minor, as signs of God’s involvement.
Seek mentorship from a rabbi or trusted spiritual guide who can offer perspective and encouragement.
A mother shared how she began each morning by reciting, “God, You are my partner in this. Please give me strength for today.” This simple act of trust allowed her to approach each day with a calmer heart and renewed focus.
3. Building Connection: Nurturing the Parent-Child Bond
Rabbi Shimon Russell teaches that connection is the single most powerful tool parents have when supporting an at-risk teen. Even when behavior is challenging, teens need to feel their parents’ love and presence.
Strategies for Connection:
Dedicate time each week for one-on-one activities, such as a walk, cooking together, or simply sitting and talking.
Listen without judgment, showing empathy for their struggles instead of trying to “fix” them immediately.
Reinforce unconditional love by expressing belief in their potential, even during difficult times.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe often reminded parents that “children hear what you say, but they feel what you are.” A mother began leaving small notes of encouragement for her teen during periods of tension. Over time, these notes became a bridge for deeper conversations, helping her child feel loved despite the challenges.
A Spiritual Perspective: Finding Strength in Faith
The Baal Shem Tov teaches that every challenge is an opportunity for spiritual growth. For parents of at-risk teens, this perspective can transform despair into resilience.
Hannah’s prayer in the Book of Samuel exemplifies the power of persistence in prayer. Despite years of unanswered pleas, her unwavering trust ultimately brought her the blessing of a son. For parents, this story teaches that prayer is not about immediate answers but about strengthening the relationship with God and finding solace in His presence.
Rabbi Akiva, after enduring unimaginable personal loss, declared, “Everything God does is for the best” (Berachot 60b). This statement does not diminish pain but reflects profound trust that hardship can lead to growth. For parents, this teaching is a reminder that their efforts, paired with faith, are part of a larger divine plan.
Conclusion
Parenting a teen at risk is a journey of profound challenge and growth. Like Yaakov Avinu, parents are tasked with balancing action and faith, climbing the ladder one step at a time. By embracing their hishtadlus, trusting in God’s bitachon, and nurturing their bond with their child, parents can create a path toward healing and hope.
This journey is not one that parents walk alone. Just as God accompanied Yaakov, He accompanies every parent striving to guide their child. May you find the courage to climb your ladder, the strength to take one step at a time, and the faith to trust that God is with you, guiding you and your child toward a brighter future.
Top 10 Takeaways for Parents
Small Steps Matter: Focus on small, consistent actions to support your teen and create stability.
Trust in the Process: Recognize that progress is not linear; every step forward counts, even amidst setbacks.
Strengthen Connection: Prioritize activities and rituals that nurture the parent-child bond.
Reframe Setbacks: View challenges as opportunities for growth and resilience.
Lean on Prayer: Use daily prayer to express your fears and hopes, and invite God into your journey.
Seek Support: Build a network of professionals, educators, and mentors to guide you.
Focus on What You Can Control: Take practical steps and leave the rest to God.
Practice Gratitude: Reflect on small victories and moments of connection.
Model Calm and Faith: Your demeanor can influence your teen more than your words.
Remember You Are Not Alone: Trust that God is with you, walking this journey by your side.
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